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11.26.04 - 6:41 p.m.
work my worth if persuading others of my worth feels too daunting a task, then forget them. this weekend, my focus: work on persuading myself of my worth. the problem in part, i think is a childhood fantasy belief in "being discovered"... trickled right down from years of american rags-to-riches stories of the rich and famous celebrities who just happened to place themselves at the right place at the right time [usually some new york or l.a. hotspot of seen and be seen] and some elitest fordmodel agent or literary model or talent scout just HAPPENED to stumble across the ingenue -
and wham bam, poof - the world knows your name, you're on the cover of every magazine, talk shows adore you, and everyone repeats your originary story: "as luck would have it" - well, i'm a fool to believe that luck will discover me...not at age 30, far past the age of youthful discovery. and that luck is laziness, the short-cut to success...place my self on the curb, hope some intuitive powerful person has both mind-reading and face reading powers. so that, all i have to do is wear a plaintive look on my face, that signifies the inner message: "hey you, stop, look, check me out. can't you see my 'inner' excellence just beaming out to ya? i've got skills, i'm talented, qualified. just that no one knows of my stellar hidden qualities. cuz, i've kept this secret to myself. this secret i know, but never ACTED on to demonstrate tangilbe results. and i've just waited on my ass for the hardworking intuitive agent [agency, action, act!] to breeze by, so you could reach out and hire me; promote me based on the 'potential' you read in my reflection alone?" c'mon circling, why capitulate to such a passive way of living in this world? waiting that some superstar will pass me by; then, furthermore, hoping that person will READ MY POTENTIAL? ridiculous as that sounds, that's probably the problem with my stuckness these days. accept, i don't believe much in luck any more, even if i secretly hope some type of luck will save my ass and secret me away. listen, luck's only half the problem. false belief that ACCESS to success must depends exclusively on some out-of-reach lucky action's the other half of faulty reasoning. being discovered gives all the credit, hands over all the power of action to that nameless hardworking talent scout who busted his/her chops to search out right place at the right time. so after this rant, what?
forget luck. forget standing on the corner and the adage that 80% of the task is just showing up. hell, reason why i'm loathe to show up is i don't haven't worked to produce anything worth showing. showing up's not enough. accounting for my own power to make something happen. to not rest on my laurels that i HAVE talents, but that i've utilized these talents to reach, make, or produce something more is the point. persuade myself that my work's worth working, and then i'll check if i've still got self-pity over my shameful waste of my own time, my passive/active devaluation through self-neglect, and i'll check to see if i'm singing a brighter tune tomorrow.
MUSIC:
READING: grading papers. their writing deserve attention at a time i've not given my own papers anything
FEELING:fed-up with myself
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