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07.15.04 - 12:00 a.m.
"role modeling" i'm really happy to be participating in this summer mentorship program - low key - on my own schedule and time - i'm trying to reach out and i don't know what - befriend, inspire, watch over, motivate, scold gently, widen perspective, inform -- a 16 yr. old girl, the 2nd oldest of 9 children - from the bronx - whom i'll call jayg - our relationship's more complicated than that, because i'm not just acting as a big sister and advisor, in many ways, this relationship forces me to face my former teenager self - what i mean is that, it took me a long long long time to over come the "less black than thou" inferiority complex that i used to have because i wasn't from projects made famous - elevated almost to a status level - like l.a.'s compton or watts, southside chicago, detroit, harlem's washington carver - etc... yes, my parent's were working class - no not on welfare - but still living paycheck to paycheck - but because my parents were super strict - i wasn't allowed to watch t.v. shows and listen to radio stations that would have given me a CLUE as to what popular black culture embraced. that's why i retreated into books - i never tried the "i'm too cool for school" root, and certainly never had the money or bought the cool clothes like all the music stars were wearing - the point then is when i'm hanging out with jayg - i'm actually befriending another person who would have probably teased me mercilessly, dismissed me, or wouldn't have wanted to hangout with when i was her age - so jayg and i had dinner tonight at her college dining hall, and she invited her two new summer program friends sta__ (from l.a.) and jes__ (from nyc) - (dang it's been so long since i used a tray to get cafeteria food - and especially since seeing supersize me - oh my -). what's delightful and nerve racking to realize is that i *do* think jayg likes and respects me - hey she asked her two friends to meet me and join in - [ by the way, she might have just been getting back up, since, the day before she emailed me to lemme know that she got put on probation (or early night bed checks - sounds like friggin' PRISON - ) because the three of them got caught with three guys (working on their HOMEWORK, no less) - and then , as jayg explained it, she was so pissed at the R.A. swat team that she said fuck it to her homework - so when i got that email, i got on the phone and said okay, ms. jay - i want to see your pretty face tomorrow - we need to talk 1:1 - go ahead, get your freak on, but you got to obey the rules around here - ] and so we did talk - i purposely dressed up in torn denim overalls and sneakers - threw in references to songs by lil kim and missy e. and mary j. - cursed sporadically - just tried to exude coolness - to crystalize my self-consciousness i said: hey jayg, "i'm corny but i'm cool, right?", which made all of them laugh. it's true though - and again, as i write this i AM feeling better - in many ways, i do admire the fuck-y'all attitude that all three girls have - "f*ck the rules - this shit is boring - 'ain't nothin' to do in this town - i hate it here" and i tried hard to respect that - and yet, since i grew up too scared to break any rules and defended myself by being a goodygoody - and striving to prove that i wasn't 'a dangerous negro' (my parents were HUGE on not starting trouble, not complaining, not going to the principle, unquestionably obeying anyone taller and older than me)... ...yes jayg and her crew do have an aura of toughness and cohesions - which i desperately envied as i isolated my way through high school - anyway, surprisingly enough - they "did" listen to me - i told them about the vanpeebles movie i'd just seen - and gave a little film history lesson about life before newjackcity and spikelee&singleton'hood movies - and then - my show and tell worked too - first i asked if all three were the first to go to college- they said they were - and i said, well you know, so am i - and i kind of shared my story - in a shy but triumphant way - that look, nobody told me that i could get into an ivyleague school - until someone toldme i didn't know to apply - and i recounted my parent's story - that the 5 of us grew up in a 2 bedroom apartment - that my mom's a nurse and my dad's an electrician (which turned out to be a surprise hit, since sta__ 's parents are exactly in the same occupations) - and i brought two of my diplomas - and said - look - this is what a B.A. degree looks like - no body tells you what you're working towards - and i even joked that (a) i can't even read my pton diploma because it's all in latin! and (b) i didn't graduate with honors, or pi beta kappa - i just graduated - but that puts me a hellofalot further ahead than tons of people who never make it into a four year college - and so the central point of my peptalk is that okay - it sucks to be in this town - i know - you're bored as hell - but if you don't see a way, make a way - okay? - and i joked that, hell - if they'd found a way to slip boys into their room, or could argue with me about why the rules themselves were flawed - well BAM! you all have the makings of a lawyer - etc... so, it ended that the girls had to run off to their next programmed event - but sta__ shyly asked if "we can talk again, right" and jes__ proudly admitted that actually she was going to visit pton later that summer - hell yeah - girls you can go anywhere the fuck you want -, i thought" - and i think jayg was pleased (or at least proud that i was her big sister/mentor - but she didn't even say goodbye - okay, i can see this won't be a touchy-feely hugging type of relationship - but, i left with a smile on my face - not in the whole smug benign malevalent superiority missionary type way - but i smiled because i felt that yes, 10 years too late - i proved i DO fit in, just the way i am "all cheesy, but still cool" and, last night on the phone i told jayg that, "i know you won't believe me when i say this, or not believe me now, but i really do care about you and i want to see you go far as you want to go". and i think i made steps to night towards her believing that i am for real. i really do care. warmsnugglinggood, me
MUSIC: billieholiday's greatest hits
READING: erasure
FEELING:whelmedover
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