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06.19.04 - 3:12 a.m.
"match this!" 3:00AM is definitely NOT the best time of day to update my journal. i'm feeling a bit overstimulated, however, thinking too hard about the online matchmaking world at the moment. how could i possibly get say 422 views of my profile on one service, but only 6 replies - FIVE of them from OLD WHITE MEN ages 38-49!!!!!! the 6th was a 48 year old African American male! why do i feel like the subjct of cild porn all of a sundden?
god, i'm reminded of nella larsen's quicksand character helga crane, who travels through denmark in 1929. this character loves to dress up and feels like a beautiful diva, strolling through the old city boulevards... taking in the sights as an independent, talented, educated, articulate woman. by the end of her stroll, helga's absolutely crushed, by the number of men who discreetly but rudely walk by her and more or less solicit her as a whore... and i'm reminded too of one night in madrid in '96, when i took a walk by myself near plaza gracia. out of no where, this car drove right up to me ,and the man inside motioned for me to hop in like i was some sort of high class prostitute. aye, dios.
okay, i'm not having an overthetop hysterical reaction.
in fact, i'm convinced that my education is the "intimidating" barrior - which is bullshit that just because this young 30 year old af-am woman has a B.A. , 2 M.A.s from top universities, or is hoping to earn her Ph.D. by age 31 (NOT an incredible feet by most humanities standards) -- that all of this stigmatizes me as 'undatable'. god, how i wish people knew that i only committed myself to the academic path like a shy virginal girl chooses to withdraw into a nunnery, just because books "respond" and let me channel my passion during times when no one around me was bothering to look my way. okay, and don't even get me started on how pissy i'm feeling about the ppl whose profiles i'm interested in - and then i read the "ethnicities of date" that they prefer - and they'll check off every other ethnicity BUT black/african descent... or, they'll just check off "asian/caucasian" - i try to feel disgusted by their narrowmindedness ... like i'm a helluva lot more schooled on 19th century american literature and culture, than all these very sought after white chicks whose foremothers came over one the mayflower. i don't mean to exude hate. i obviously love caucasian ppl as well, if i bother to look to read profiles of theirs online - and wouldn't feel partly jealous of asian and latina women for being 'the types' that these men are looking for exclusively. no, no need for me to internalize anything. and this bitterness does me no good. i'm glad overall that i spent a few late nights this week, puttting together a profile, thinking about what exatly i'd like from a romantic partner. and let me tell you - i've now found a perfect way to get through my dull conversations with my mom and dad -- i "scroll for love" while i'm chatting about the weather on the phone with them. i'm just really struck by the particular age group - the over 45+ - men who find me most attractive - oh my goodness, one of these men had a picture of himself at what looked like his DAUGHTER'S wedding... i certainly am not looking to date my own father, thank you very much. after sticking my head out in this virtual matchmaking scene, i'm feeling much more in control and pro-active in the process... far better spending hours doing this, than standing around at a bar (although, i DID go out to a pub with my good friend hil___ who just came back from a whirlwind post-semester trip to germany, london, and then las vegas!!!) ... all this coupling angst has to do with another wedding, which i'm attending today, Saturday in fact.. The event has already been 'triggering' in that the person getting married is someone i met from an E.D. recovery regroup - someone whom i/we ALL thought was going to die time and again - she's been hospitalized over 22 times - and her nutritionist - who thinks she's god's E.D. savior on earth - will be at the wedding - dear lord please let no other therapists from the UTI be there as well. i can't deal with their public displays of favoritism... luckily our friend tri___ , whom i met in this recovery group as well, is also coming back into this uncity. the two of us plan to sit through the wedding reception together. and then i've got another party to go to afterwards, thrown by my good friend to__ who just got married two weeks ago in a private ceremony on a beach in maine... i'm just all jittery, with yet another swinging single moving into the column of the swinging "marrieds" club - my turn will come yet... just sick of facing so many friends who have found "the one" already... ugh, my friend's lover som___ is in town, and god, i wish my buddy would f*ckng break up with her already...
the messed up thing about long distance relationships is all the unpaid labor (i'm joking about the $$$) but still - how much work the close friends throw into to cheering up their jilted lover, after the long distance lover leaves town again. one last important note - i FINALLY got tthe wherewithall to get on the phone and call a few more therapists...one called me back - she sounds just great - i was so psyched that she volunteered her email address - DAMN, i've NEVER had a therapist keen on letting me email to them for any reason. so, next wednesday at 10 AM, i'm praying hoping i can make a perfect match where it matters most - a therapist to help me help myself stay in line and on course this summer. are we a match?
MUSIC: carl thomas, "i wish"
READING: stephen best, "the fugitive's properties"
FEELING:puzzling insight
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