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05.21.04 - 11:42 p.m.
transitions, transitions "hey, t__...we got the apartment!" her boyfriend said into the answering machine. And just as he launched into the particulars, I intercepted the message picked up the phone and got my roommate t___ who just came back from her two-week trip at her mom's out west. and now she's gone. well, not really. i didn't press her for the details about when she's moving out, and where she and her bf will live, and just how great their new 2 bedroom apartment will be... or my resentment that i'm so torn about moving myself, but have no compelling reason or person for which to make such a drastic decision. damnit tho', why did his phone call have to come inaugurating yet another transition i'll have to contend with eventually, come while i was trying to eat dinner? i'm proud to say that i didn't purge. i just sat very still and distracted myself surfing on line, then grading student papers. i discovered that there's a diamond in the rough terrain of writing comments on the last set of papers before i mail them out to students: the task gives me the chance to lavish them with praise on how hard they worked all semester, to thank them for allowing me to see them grow as writers and for making the sections bearable all semester. i've got lots of feelings to turnaround. like last night - after a 4 hours converation with my diss advisor before she takes off to china, germany, and then ireland to give two talks and attend an editorial board meeting - i came home and started re-reading my student evaluations. i myself know that when i build myself on someone else's opinion, a part of me dies (a paraphrase of lauryn hill)... would you believe, after 4 years of teaching, this semester is the FIRST time I had the courage to read my evaluations... for the most part, like 90% of them were really really nice and appreciative... and you know many of them told truths that make me cringe to hear, because i know they're true - i CAN be confusing at times, when i reach and reach to figure out the right example to explain a theory - and i AM visibly nervous, frazzled, flustered, and tired sometimes. the comment that stuck the most in my head, which i think i've almost completely cleared out of my active echoing chambers - is "weird. just weird". now f*ck, i'm not exacerbated so much by 1 out of 60 students agree that 'circling's a weirdo or freak... and i tell myself again and again, look some 'alpha alpha alpha' female (this institution brims over with the greek system - and a corellary phenomena - frat brothers and sorority sisters will take courses together for the fun of it? geez-us, never thought university classes were also arenas for 'rushing'. so in my head, some rich WASPY alpha alpha alpha princess, at least 10 years my junior, has deemed me "weird". no further comment to explain what's weird about me - my dress, my speech patterns, my ideas, my humor, what?!?!?! and ironically, just last friday i went out with my friend A__ to watch the lastest teen flick movie _mean girls_. and i have one in my midst. i think after 24 hours of pep talk, i've convinced myself that her comment doesn't matter - and hell if she couldn't take time explain what she meant, it's weird of her to sling the weirdness factor. ***************** i give myself MAJOR props for working up the courage to craft a 'seeking subletter' ad about myself and circulate it on the irvine list serve. hell yeah, takes courage to launch a version of myself to a community of people i don't know, to a part of california i've never been, but have been warned about [ i cannot BELIEVE that there are no used book stores or cafe's nearby], and hope i land in a non-alienating space. i tried to inject humor about myself, without coming across as pretentious or 'weird' (ugh, that word's gonna irk me!) happily, surprisingly i got 3 responses within the hour. one woman offered her apartment, said i'd have place to myself and MY OWN BALCONY PATIO TO READ OUTSIDE IN THE SUN - yeah yeah yeah yeah to reading in the sunlight, and making yummy dinners from nearby trader joe's for potluck dinners under the moonlight. and another one woman - i'm guessing af-am woman, but could be wrong, wrote to say that she'd let me stay with her free of charge in exchange for some meaningful conversations about my work, her work, and my advisor's influence on her studies. now that feels super good. i'm glad i stopped myself from forking over $684 that i don't have to stay in a hotel on campus for out of town visitors. i scraped my courage together and it worked... and so tonight, rather than dwell on the truth that i'm losing my roommate to another blissful romantic rooming situation with her bf, i can trytrytry to comfortmyself with the knowledge that i've got a fun rooming situation awaiting me in august. and that i sound okay to live with - others are looking forward to my visit - thank G*d the upshot of last year's terrible terrible fallout with p__ at theory camp here, was that i made good friends, very good female friends outside his pricky erect phallus - and can now cash in on those friendships, as i wander the long beach area in search of intellectual stimulation, dreamers bent on transforming the world with their psychic powers, and all that 30something advanced grad jazz. this summer WILL be one to remember, i promise me, it will. and dammit to hell, i'm leaving b/ping and pointless smoking behind on the east coast... can't wait, it's gonna happen, can't wait, it's gonna happen...transitioning without crisis...that's me ; - 0
MUSIC:
READING:
FEELING: in transition, of course
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