|
04.27.04 - 1:52 a.m.
give this teacher an A +
life is good for now, full with expectation. i finished my grading, was poised to return the papers back today and turns out the other t.a.s weren't ready... so, for once i feel ahead of my game. the weight is off of deciding 'another's fate'... it's really not my fate to decide...they're the ones who do the work, i reread each paper three times...i write 1-2 pages of commentary...more than most students ever get until they write their honor's theses. the hardest part is taking off points for things that i myself would mess up. like i never make time to proofread; while my writing is usually filled with good ideas, the transitions are often lacking, i don't always support my ideas with evidence, i sound like a broken record chiding them for mistakes, and yet how often do i heed them myself? over a week ago i had my teaching observation, and it went exceptionally well. not sure why i've been slow to write about it here. maybe i've just wanted to sit with the feelings myself for a while. although my performance was quite a public moment of triumph, neither the professor, or the undergraduate students, know my history and how very far i've come in terms of being myself in the classroom, laughing things up, cracking jokes, even slinging sarcastic remarks here and there...not thinking my students are too fragile to hear them, or i'm not competent - funny-interesting - savvy - hip - fill in whatever the blank enough - to be more than a walking annotated head of cliff notes to pass on to students in section. so, we were teaching performativity theory of gender identity, and using judith butler's classic essay "imitation and gender insubordination" (which i think is amazing, and butler completely has changed my world and relationship to myself") and maybe the postmodern moment is all taken for granted these days, but most of my students aren't spinning cartwheels to butler as i am (at least not in front of me)... anyway, i made a deal with my professor that if we scheduled my observation for the april 19th, rather than april 12th (when were were doing a french existentialist play by an author i've never read), well i'd dance to aretha franklin's "RESPECT" and even lead the class in a chorus of "you make me feel like a natural woman" (the theme for the day)... so, i made the suggestion as a joke, but the prof took me up on it (sille!), and then next thing you know, i've coordinated this miniature arch sing, where i plan to dress up in this amazing dress that's been hanging in my closet forever (there's NO PLACE to dress up in this town where Teva's are the equivalent of "casual pumps" and Birkinstock's are the closest things to high class leather evening shoes. the the plan is that i sing all three versus to aretha franklin's natural woman, with the T.A.s and the Profs forming a trio of back up singers. (think diana ross and the supremes, except academy-style). and the point was that i'd sing first to a male student, then a female student, and finally to the prof to demonstrate that the "you" could be any gender....and even "me" (aretha, circling) was up for debate... yeah, sure we're both black women who love to sing, but the resemblances stop there...so the other point of contemplation was how "unnatural" is it of me to sing this song... and since the topic of "strip tease" (roland barthes) also has come up in this class, i decided i'd throw a bit of that too, like taking off my jacket as well to expose me in this tightfitting dress (which, if i'd had more notice, i would have protested and said, wait til i 'lose more weight' and the dress fits better)... but i didn't want to wait! and the 'fit of the dress' didn't the hell matter. i love that! i just love how far i've come, considering ten years ago i sang in an a cappella group in undergraduate and i always felt like ass for not being chosen as a power solo singer - not pretty enough, not confident enough, not thin enough... and ten years later, here i am, calling the shots...and it worked... it absolutely worked, all of it...the concept, me singing the lines... and what i'll remember most is the laughter, exactly at the moments i thought the students would...and even more... yes, i've always tried to seek approval for how 'smart' i was, but this other arena that i've grown into of late - for how much personality - vibrancy - bounciness - visible - and confident i am in who i am - that's come lately, but it's come... i had a blast. and, let's be honest, let off a little flirtateous steam by serenading this incredibly cute student whom i'd date in a minute...if he were 10 years older of course...(mark my words here: i've sworn off anyone under 28...and i'm looking upwards, 32-35... f*ck immature insecure young'uns masquerading as world-wise-19-going-on-39-wisdom with about an ounce-emotional maturity. i'm acting my age - 30 and loving it - go back to your age-appropriate playgrounds and play with your own peeps, okay!) so, yes, the laughter, and the cat call... i've said before in talking about new york city culture... and the following does not make me a traitor to feminism...there is a way that cat-calling, and appreciative whistles towards a beautiful woman (or man) walking by, can be made and received without the exchange deterioriating into an meat exchange... if i look good, well damn, give me props. i don't need to go home and sleep with you, nor should you expect me too!, but just as i can whistle appreciatively at works of art, sure, i'll let a harmless whistle in appreciation for my package come my way...and one did. all of this hooplah of course was to be a huge distraction from the teaching observation of my discussion section that followed the lecture. and since i was so pumped from dressing up and trouncing around in a beautiful dress, and then quickly during pass period, running into my office, taking off my dress and changing into these awesome funky new pants, i didn't have time to be nervous...and since i'd utterly exposed myself by making myself the engineer and center of performance before 120 student auditorium, i had nothing to hide in the classroom. i was just me. and it worked.... the evening ended with the highest compliment ever from one of the students i sang to. she wrote in an email that she it was incredible fun to be pulled up to the front of the room to participate, and that i'm a great teacher... i'll just blow up those few words and stick it above my computer, and die happy now. i do give my everything to my students; and whether or not i exectute that effort perfectly or not...they see that i'm trying, and they're appreciative. what more could i ask?
MUSIC: barry white, "you're the first, the last, my everything"
READING: douglass crimp, "melancholia and moralism"
FEELING:pride settling
�
|
|
