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04.12.04 - 11:38 p.m.
"do the right thing" don't purge, grade don't binge, grade don't react, grade don't dwell, grade mondays are always so damn hard. i'm always grateful to return to the familiarity of structure. the hardest part though is the change from 0 to 150 (that is, contact with hardly anyone all weekend to over 125 students in lecture; 2 other TAs plus 1 Prof (who escapes to NYC each weekend); 18+ students in discussion section; not to mention the countless number of people i pass in the hallways is absolutely overwhelming. it's not that i'm not grateful to see everyone, not that i don't miss the company of ppl whom i love and respect all weekend. it's just that it's all at once, onslaught of familiarity - that's not quite intimate as family, and yet the only closest substitution for family that i've got here. at one point today, i just had to stop it. stop the flood of congeniality and 'bumping into people' and chatting and just hide. well, not hide. more like call a Time Out. and so, since i have absolutely NO qualms about popping a squat and sitting on the ground whenever and wherever the hell i please, i just opened up my book and sat down in the stairwell of one of the busiest academic buildings on campus. actually, i love moments like these when i act against the grain and just do what i feel like, no matter who raises an eyebrow. the funny part is that it's quieter on the stairwell, and in fact MAKES more of a statement that I, age 30, curl up on a black granite stairwell to read, and don't give a fuck if the DGS, the chair of the department, undergraduate students, ANY students walk right over me..[imagine me at age 8, stuck at some holiday party or family gathering and dealing it the most delicious way i knew how - finding a corner and hiding with a book - tune the rest of the world out - let me be, thank you very much]. .. (what makes me glow even warmer inside are my own private memories of beingin NYC, in grand central station waiting for the metronorth train home, or in port authority, waiting for a bus, or penn station waiting for amtrak - my behavior - sit down where i am. make a home for myself. not AT ALL out of the ordinary ... i miss urban city spaces so much for that reason...the communal knowledge that we are all homeless and displaced..so it's okay to stake a temporary plot..to rest, stop moving a whilse..balacing on my heels, or sitting on my huge duffle bag, i'd passing the time in my own fantasy world, journaling, being, receding into the environment.) anyway, i think a few people walking by got the message. some sort of smiled, nodded 'hi'..but allowed me the peace of reading in a busy staircase because the truth is that the central library is louder, more trafficky in its pick-up spot 'place to be seen' hype, that we all know quiet is elusive even there. hmmm, i've been typing awhile. i do feel better. i felt HORRIBLE a few hours ago, as i tried to lead a discussion section on a play that i'm encountering for the first time - genet - french existentialist drama - i buy the notion of an alienated individual living in a hostile world. i don't buy that all those individuals need to do is harness their free will and use their enlightened intelligence to liberate themselves out. try walking through airport security, or a posh boutiquey store with the wrong shade of face, or walk down a wedding aisle holding hands with the wrong sex for starters and see how far 'theories of free will' and 'will to power' will fly. sorry, sartre your theories won't lift of this ground! back to discussion section. can i help it if i'm cranky that i spend 4 hours today reading this play 2x, coming up with something interesting to say, and the students all admit that they've done only 1/3rd of the reading. i tried to be gracious and understanding, saying - okay - it's my job to have read the whole play - but given that i'm running a test case on interpreting the book, who am i to guess if i'm leading these students down the right path. meanwhile, i'm trying to get conversation going and keeping on going... trying to break the lock that two of the most talkative guys (in a class of 16 other women) have on the conversation...i start calling on people to read passages... cold call... try to ask provocative questions...and meanwhile, two girls seated directly across from me are whispering nonstop the ENTIRE time...whispering and passing notes louder than the students trying to even participate in the conversation. i tried to ignore them; tried to talk around them; tried to concentrate on what was being said, to make the "class conversation" more interesting than their loud whispering about the cute 'new guy' (a visiting student) in the class and at a certain point i just turned to them directly, raised my voice sharply, and said: "Can you two just STOP TALKING for two seconds!!!" then asked the speaking student to continue. i didn't give a lecture about how rude their behavior was...and had i not seen even other students rolling their eyes, and passing dirty looks unto the two chattering students, i wouldn't have said anything... i just don't see how those two could be absolutely OBLIVIOUS to how loud they were... or not just take a breathe and notice the class taking place in front of their noses. i did the right thing. i addressed the disruption. returned to class. didn't say anything to them afterwards... i came home (in the rain, no less <40oF), decided to take my anger out on chopping vegetables...carrots, garlic, green beans, just chopping to calm down... rather than act on my compulsion to buy something, i just donated money to my friend who's raising money for breast cancer research... anything to just calm down. i ate. and now i've still got mounds of papers to ground, and have to get beyond my resentment that i've got to devote any waking energy to students who don't do the reading, couldn't be bothered with class discussion, just shake it off. they're young. they're worried about end of the year grades. they're worried about graduation. all legitimate concerns. i just wish they'd worry to about treating me like a human being, and not a robotic paper grader, or a manniquin placed in front of their seminar table for 50 minutes every other night. i don't know what i am to them. i can't afford to care. i can't afford to make time to reinforce why i matter. finish the work. get it done with. get them out of your lives. do the right thing. do right by yourself. do right. just do. and be done
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FEELING:used
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