|
03.16.04 - 2:39 a.m.
bitch-slapped the crude version: "my pimp done set me up. wooed and stroked my ego, with some lie that he needed something only i could provide. so i drop everything, right about the time when i'm running on nothing. when i come running in 10 (?) minutes late to my own trick, would you believe he slammed the door, said game over, and walked out with the very entourage whom he wanted to serve me out as candy. no matter, i turned my own tricks with my own company, nibbling on left over crackers and cheese. we didn't need him to have a party; sucks to realize, he never needed me to begin with" the rude version: i arrived <10 minutes late to my own lecture, and the professor who invited me to participate in the first place - cancelled my talk. when i'd arrived, he said sorry - i didn't think you'd show up - i was too exhausted from staying up over the 2 days, and a WEEK of grading 60+ papers and 60+ exams in order to boldly take to the lecturn and announce the show must go on. how to save my face, without calling him an ass-hole to his face and ruining the rest of my semester experience as his t.a.?
well, we waited for the professors to leave the room, and then formed a circle of chairs with 10 of my grad friends who'd left their own busy weekends (studying for exams, grading papers)to attend my talk. and i informally, and humbly read my paper. bitch-slapped. his reasoning was entirely punitive. i didn't attend any of the talks that day, and according to his rules i didn't "deserve" to participate. he didn't say that in so many words...but today, when i went to talk to him in office hours (my initiative) - i realized quickly that i would not be getting an apology from him.
what BURNS me is that, had i been some famous professor who he flew in to talk, it so wouldn't have mattered if i came in late. It's just that i was the grad student he invited at the last minute to participate, since his originally scheduled speakers dropped out, and he needed a token gender and race speaker - that would be me -- it just astounds me how professors can act one way in the privacy of office hours, like a supportive understanding forgiving ally, and then in front of their *real* colleagues, they do whatever they wish to save face. and he certainly didn't need my talk so badly, or strengthen his conference's depth if he happily booted me off the roster, even after i showed up.
and how dare he have the bad faith that i wouldn't come? that's the part that hurts. as scared, petrified as i am to present my work publicly, i know that "my word" is the only think that carries weight in this profession. if i say i'll show up, i'll show up.
so much more complicated than this. but it's over. i wrote 20 pages in 2.5 days. and the keynote speaker quietly walk over to me, introduced himself, and asked me about my project and to send him a copy of the paper. [and hell yeah, fckr i will send him the paper the pimp/prof couldn't bother to wait for]. and again, goes the fantasy that when i'm published and established no thanks to you, i'll say thanks for nothing. no, really, nothing. thanks. sucks to fess up that i binged on 2 large cookies and 1/2 bag of chips that night...such tension...the love/ twin/ partner in academic crimes/doll of my life volunteered to come and be a sounding board for me at 10PM. i so can't explain intensity of the immense feeling of love and respect i have for this guy, who's been in a committed relationship with another guy (also a sweet caring friend) for 4+ years now - since the first semester of grad school when we started - here's probably not the place to shed all - i felt so supported, so complete when we gabbed for 2 hours - whenever there are parties around campus - i can sit next to him and get lost in conversation for hours - the excitement is mutual - intellectual excitement and respect - and yet, the type of buddy i share a bus seat on the way to campus, sit next to during lectures and special events, join at the cafe table, dance with at some many parties... i can't be describing a crush - although, i told him i totally volunteer my womb to him and his partner - whenever they want a baby, my womb is there's.... i feel similarly about two other gay males in my cohort....i try hard not to think about there are times i so wish i could take them home with me - although, truth is are they really showing all of themselves to me? yes, the allure, i can't have them. and usually that's okay, i can get by on the richness of what we have just as old friends. but damn, sometimes...i never make a pass, i never even go there - i don't need scandal - just sometimes after an evening where i've found someone i can be vulnerable with, someone whom i call and who comes right over... who listens til i speak, who CAN be SO forthcoming about feelings, who is there with hugs even when i don't ask - hell, after saturday's debacle he was the first person to put a hand on my back and i wanted to melt because i know he'd understand. if i want to maintain this untroubled friendship for life, well then you know what? clamp down on those feelings. don't want weirdness, will not cross the line. ever. okay?
MUSIC: macy grey, "relating to a psychopath"
READING: dwight mcbride, "impossible witnesses"
FEELING: ????
�
|
|
