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02.20.04 - 10:42 p.m.
i'm not a bad person i know deep down that i'm not a bad person. what do i mean by bad? intolerable, despicable, unremittently selfish, harmful, damaging, dangerous, a useless waste of money, education, opportunity, hope, or expectations. i'm pasting all these feelings in front of me, so that i can deny them. you know what i do each day, to justify my existence?? activity #1: i ask myself: 'what can i do to show myself that i've made some impression on any aspect of my world, which could not have happened had i not been the one to make that impression?' sometimes, the activity is to ask a pointed question during a colloqium or lecture. raising my hand in a public space is never never never about drawing attention to myself. i can stand the discomfort of the public gaze, so long as i know that i'm doing this task in order to give the gift of a question, comment, or suggestion to the speaker. sometimes, the activity is to give a hug or compliment of encouragement to a fellow grad student, especially on a day when no one (notan advisor, not a departmental administrator, not a parent, no one) seems to acknowledge that we are present, that we do matter, that we came all the way to this buttf*ckhickfabricatedtown to follow and learn from them. and then these divas can't be bothered to give us the time of day (except when they need us to hang flyers for their events, or to mail letters for their conferences). it's all SUCH bull-shit. as much as i tell myself that my self-esteem does NOT depend on whether or not XYZ professor acknowledges me in a public space, it so does.:-( [hah, today, after i felt 'snubbed' again by an advisor, i emailed her partner and just asked her if my advisor received the cashmere scarf that i bought for her as a thank you gift over the break. yes, on the one hand the scarf might have been too much, but you know it mattered so very much to me that i lived through last year. and whether or not this professor knew that her presence was a link in me hanging on to life, is beside the point. i gave the gift in january, and swore myself to give it with no strings attached... and yet, i am all coiled up inside everytime i see her and she looks through me. but you know, even when i AM acknowledge by my advisors, i don't know how to handle or accept their praise. the details are complicated but basically, last week i asked srs to ask hjs about how i'm doing. and hjs said, and i quote :"circling is brilliant, there's nothing to talk about" and srs concurs "yes, circling is brilliant, but she's unfocused, she's all over the place, she needs guidance". and i'm like wait, hold up here. can we just repeat that descriptive word you two just said, so that i can etch this in my brain? and sure enoough, the very next day, hjs calls me at home and tells me to come see her next week so that we can talk about my writing, and plans for dissertation completion. and she does, that next week, finally returns my field exam with her comments. although the essay is covered with her red pen and traditional grammatical squeals at me, her mouth is saying otherwise: "this is inventive, very good" and then she recites MY argument back to me. and tells me, how i've revised and improved her own argument, in a well-known publicized 1987 essay. and then she goes on to fill out the mandatory progress report form, in my presence, writing her familiar cursive handwriting: CIRCLING IS IN EXCELLENT STANDING...AND IS ADVANCING STEADILY TOWARD THE COMPLETION OF HER DISSERTATION. FEB 18, 2004. so, this is concrete, irrefutable praise. she said the words to my face. she wrote the words in ink in my presence. and still, i don't believe her. i sense the key to sanity is to stop fighting the certain steady improving resolution of her words. she has no doubt that i will finish my dissertation; no doubt, that i will rank nationally when i go on the job market in the december. listen to the import of what i'm saying: that an average of 250+ people apply for every opening at a competitive university. the numbers swelter at times to 400+ applicants. and yet, this woman, expert, leader in my field is telling me that she has no doubt that i'll be recruited, and wooed by everyone. she has no doubt. while, i'm quivering in my boots doubting. i'm trying to tell her my first 18 years of life, i strove for national attention while not even believing it in my own worth the entire time. no, college acceptances and scholarship awards are NOT a sign of worth. the truth though is that it all just felt like such a lottery shot to me, so unreal from my parent's experience, i didn't know how to accept these other school's acceptances... and with asshole, jealous classmates and highschool advisors who murmered that i was taking other people's places, or that i just got into these schools based on race, i wouldn't let myself believe that i'd earned anything. cut to ten years later. i don't want to keep just reporting and reporting ups and downs, here. i wish i could write my sense of transparency in words that made sense. i don't know what excellent standing means. maybe, it's because i've been on the verge for so long during my first four years of being here of almost being kicked out, of being on shaky standing, of waiting for an extra bed to become available at an inpatient treatment/recovery program during my school breaks, i don't know how to inhabit the space of "safe", "just fine." i can't believe that i can walk two steps forwards, and then two steps forward after that, without a mandatory three steps back. the truth, though, is i AM stepping. i am so very proud of myself of feeling, being, performing in every way as a compentent teacher for the past two weeks. yes, i bust my ass to understand. i've read this damn greek play THREE times, and taken copious notes, to make sure i understand. perhaps, the hardest fact to wrap my head around is that I HAVE THE RIGHT TO TEACH ON ANY COLLEGE SUBJECT... it doesn't matter if it's not my area of specialization, and it doesn't matter even that i'm an african-american woman teaching queer sexuality theories on cross-generational homosexual practices in greece 412 A.D. it doesn't matter. i'm trained. i'm confident. and you know what else? my students already believe and respect me as capable to teach them. you can not imagine how HUGE a leap that is. i held office hours all friggin' week long, not my choice. and students, males and females, white and non-white, came to my office hours, sat at my desk and asked for help. and thanked me for that help. the best moment of the week was on wednesday, when the prof was late starting up the lecture because at least 4 students lined up to talk to me at the beginning of class. and i calmly addressed one question after another. i'm just in awe at the respect, just in awe. for the most part, 3 of the 4 sections most definitely have warmed up to me. ME? i don't understand, why. but it's pointless to argue why not. the other crazy turn around about this week is that, the prof i'm t.a.ing for, sat me down in his office and asked if i'd participate in an all-day conference on child sexuality and queer youth. james kincaid, eve sedgwick, katherine bond stockton, and other big name scholars were supposed to present...and he asked me to present my work on their same billing, on equal footing. i still just don't understand how and why he trusts and believes in my work. or me. i just don't. anyway, as a reward for such a hard week of work, i bought two bottles of red wine on my way home. and my housemate, bless her independent grrl-power heart, said she likes to spend friday night alone sans boyfriend. and even though i got in the house at 9PM, she was happy to sit with me and enjoy a fruity glass of raspberry flavored upstate new york wine. i bought a calzone, and whether or not she knew this, she sat with me for the old meal-time-support. and we toasted another week of a job well done. (were it not for one glass containing a purge from two days ago, that's STILL in my room. it doesn't smell - i got skills, unfortunately in that regard, i could claim a clean slate of guilt-free purge-freedom. i purged only ONCE this week, on wednesday night. but otherwise, believe it or not, by unplugging myself from energy over ars...and proudly avoiding tfworld for a whole 5 days...i'm doing okay). grounded or not, i'm in excellent standing. i must be moving up, even though i can't tell you which way UP is. off to grade 65-70 papers this week. and i am confident, too, to endure even this.
MUSIC: mos def: 'black on both sides'
READING: grading student papers
FEELING: competent
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