|
02.06.04 - 9:31 p.m.
re-centering yesterday, i curled up to sleep on one section of my living room couch that represents (to me) the center point of my apartment. i've been housemateless for the past two months now, alone in a pretty big 2-bedroom apartment. too many windows, too many doors, too much space for one person to occupy unaccounted for. not so big that i'd hear my voice echo [i've got too many books to buffer and insulate me in]...but big enough that i could pace a twisty path from bedroom to living room through hallway turn at kitchen sit down at alcovish dining table and turn back again and not feel caged in. tonight, i'm in my bedroom realizing that i haven't quite lived in this room since last semester...and two rooms a new housemate busily unpacks. and i'm holding my breathe in a prayerful childlike wish that she doesn't sense the apartment is haunted with a putrid mixture of melancholy, hopelessness ammonia brushed over vomit stains, and decaying vegetables. i pray she doesn't sense something awry (she already commented jokingly about me coming home late from the library on a friday evening). that she doesn't feel duped into thinking this place where i live is not as homey as it seemed when she first came by to look. i do give myself credit. in this latest round of apartment searches all 5 of the people who came through commented on the comfortable decor, the blue velvet curtains, burgandy and olive throwpillows, the gaugin and rivera prints, my love of funky postcards, the tons of lamps, mugs, picture frames, books books and more books. yes, dammit i've worked damn hard to create this dwelling place - a pipedream for the home i didn't grow up with. yeah, believe or not (i still hardly believe it) my current apartment is more spacious than the home where 5 family members grew up in on top of each other. but hominess and cohabitation aren't the same thing. i'm not going to jinx this because it can work. i still can't believe t__ said yes to living here... just as i couldn't believe l__ or r___ before her. even though "i" come with the apartment, these housemates want to live here anyway. with ME i should laugh to hear myself talk, trying to sell the place by pointing out how i'm never around, i won't make a sound, i won't interfere, i won't be a bother - in my own home of 3.5 years - and yet i have to assure them that i won't be a burden - to force myself not to be - to not sleep until 2PM in the afternoons, to not feel too weary to take out the garbage, or too confused to pay the bills. warning: living with circling could be hazardous to your health. i hope not. since an awful revelation with my first male housemate that, uhm (1.) lift the toilet seat after purging, because there's a splattered-fungal-zone down there" and (2.) "do NOT go on vacation without flushing the toilet, or all manner of flies, bacteria, smells, (rodents?), will certainly manifest an awful AWKWARD spell that knocks a bewildered man down before he even enters the apartment" i've improved enormously on spillage over into my roomate's lives. tonight, i'm okay. i made dinner, washed the dishes right afterwards, and kitchen closed. i'm in my bedroom, and also not giving into the temptation to have a cigarette after dinner (no, didn't tell her i smoked in the ad either). no runs to the bathroom (except to brush). no traffick. breathe and sit. breathe and sit. and enjoy the relief that the search is over. someone akin to normalcy has decided to live here, because they think i'm darn near centered, too. and tonight, and the next night, i can straighten up and try to fly right...because this circle can rein in spirals out of control to ring a round a normal
MUSIC:
READING:
FEELING:
�
|
