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04.11.03 - 7:05 p.m.
******************************************************************************** Originally published Friday, April 11, 2003 "A male in his early 20s jumped to his death Thursday afternoon from the Stewart Ave. bridge over Cascadilla Creek. Several cars stuck in rush hour traffic witnessed the male climb onto the railing and jump at about 5:15 p.m. Thursday. He fell over 125 feet into the gorge, according to Sgt. James Herson of the Ithaca Police Depart-ment. The I_ Fire Depart-ment and CU Police, as well as the IPD, responded to the scene." ******************************************************************************** THIS WILL NOT BE ME!!!!!! this news headline from my local paper. i cannot believe that i just wrote a manifesto on wednesday, promising that i would not cross over this bridge, that i would have faith in my life not to actualize this sick fantasy that runs through my head every time i walk over the stewart avenue bridge, and the very next day, not even 24 hours later, another person took the plunge. it does not give me pleasure to know my stats were wrong [it's a 125 foot jump, not 200 feet.] or to know the proper name of these waters [not i_ falls, but cascadilla creek]
don't let the word 'creek' fool you. these waters do not trickle, they gush...it makes me glad not to be the headline of the week, but feels surreal and bizarre to have another person inserted in my place.... i've had countless conversations with my therapist in the past as to why i don't want this to be my fate... can this man's life truly be summarized in 4 patented sentences? how quickly will he be forgotten from memory?
i do not want such an act to be my last. my life is richer, more complex, fuller, than 4 sentences. my journals over the years already exceed four hundreds pages. i feel queasy to know that the very same thoughts that plague my mind, also plague others. sadly, others can't resist...of course i feel their pain, but i don't have to affirm their pain by jumping in solidarity. i will resist. this will not be me. all i can offer this man whom, i did not know as a tribute, is a walk of faith tonight. the time is 7:15PM. tonight i can walk. tonight i will try. 20 minutes at a time, paragraph by paragraph. the least i can do is try. tried equals pride. everyone believes i can walk. everyone has faith in me. tonight is my time to match their faith with pride in myself. walk circling and before you know it, you too will fly into higher planes of life...not plunging, but flying. yes i can. yes, i will. i am a woman of my word. and the world needs my words, not the brisk local news 'suicide template' to speak for me. tonight, i will walk. loving, me.
MUSIC:
READING:
FEELING:
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