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04.07.03 - 11:14 a.m.
"it takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else"
-- erma bombeck monday, monday... i must must must must have the courage to leave my house, face my advisors, and be honest about where i am in my exam process, and not self-destruct.
today, i chose not to self-destruct. i chose to build life, not destroy it... i choose to circle until i fly. and landing, need not mean sinking.
i don't think i'll ever understand how it is that i have so much faith in other people, that i can see their dreams and the possibility that they CAN fulfill their own dreams; and yet, when i reflect back on my hopes my life my dreams , i feel only impossiblity. i'm more or less resolved to my new face. if there is anything positive about breaking teeth, it's the absolute sombering effect it has on me. i think twice about being social, about cirling around events where i have appear (which is not the same as being or being present) around numbers of people and open my mouth and let the whole world see what is so anomalous to them, but is has become a daily reality for me... so what if my smile is awry these days, a little crooked... circling, your teeth are broken, but you inside, you are not broken. only if you allow yourself to feel that way... i spent way too much time this morning trying to put a new face on this web journal. procrastinating on a task i can control, i can fix. the warmer colors though, more reflective of who i am, of contrast of light, make me feel much brighter and hopeful so it's worth it... far easier to repaint a web blog than repaint my whole house which i'd love to do on a day like today... circling's town is expecting a snowstorm of six inches today. incredulous. yes, i truly want to laugh at how ridiculous snowstorms in april are, but i won't be laughing as i try to walk home from campus today and avoid falling on patches of ice and breaking something else. i'm afraid. yes, i've found it helps sometimes to just say aloud that i'm afraid today...give the fear less power. i'm afraid that i'm so out of synch
[this comes with disappearing off other's radar screens for a while then reemerging, asking, 'so whaddya i miss' or rather 'did you miss me'?] i miss me sometimes, but i CAN find myself again today. i can not afford to fork over any more days to my feelings... feelings are fine, but i've can't afford to let them override me, to blot out my thoughts, to short circuit my direction. i can change. it takes so much courage to change. to try something new. to not fall back on the familiar. to have hope that this time life can be different. for the next 2 hours i WILL try to do differently. yes i can. i have a meeting with the director of my program at 1PM. i must stop dreading in false belief that every time he wants to speak with me, it's to eject me from this program....i'm more valuable than that...i am i am i am. for 120 minutes, i am not afraid to have hope and act as if i do. i can be scared and have hope too. hopelessly courageous, that's me.
MUSIC:
READING:
FEELING:
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